transgender

Please Let Me Wake Up

So wait… now I am not a person?

At least, not to the Trump Administration…which I guess isn’t really news.

Some days I feel like I am living in a movie, a soap opera in which the unbelievable happens and we are all waiting for the story line to resolve. Except, it’s not resolving.

Instead, it seems like every day there is some new thing I have to brace myself for; like I need to adjust my mentality, prepare for the comments, hate, laughter, or apathy. I think that one is the worst, the apathy.

Hey, I see that someone is trying to erase your existence, but it doesn’t affect me so I am just going to go about my business.

As if to say that if I wasn’t here, it wouldn’t matter.

Seriously, it blows my mind! Donald Trump is attempting to say that my entire life does not matter. My experiences, my thoughts, my feelings, ME. I do not matter. As if my life boils down to a disputed genetic test.

1.4 million Americans identify as something other than the gender that they were born into. 1.4 million. That is a significant number.

Yet, just like that, I am being erased. I am being discarded.

I matter, you matter. My identity is valid. My experiences, matter.

This can’t be happening. I need to wake up. Please let me wake up.

I am not a “Broken Thing”

“It’s just a fad you’re going through.”
“This is your cross to bear.”
“Have you tried praying about it?”
“When Jesus tells me that I should, I will accept it.”
“God doesn’t make mistakes.”
“Maybe you need to speak to someone about it.”
“I will always respect you, even though you are living in sin.”
“You wouldn’t be badly treated if you were not living this way.”
“You chose this, now you have to deal with the consequences.”
“You will always be a man in a dress.”
“We all have struggles. You just need to give it to God.”
“I will pray that God reveals His truth to you.”

Tired of reading these yet? I promise you cannot be more tired of reading those, than I am of hearing and seeing them. Being invalidated daily, sucks.

We can do so much better, folks. We are called to minister to the broken, not tear them down, berate them, or treat them as lesser human beings because of who they are as a person.

“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mothers, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” – Ephesians 4:29-32

 

“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.” – John 15:12

“If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother.” – 1 John 4:20-21

“The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” – Mark 12:31

“Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” – Matthew 7:3-5

The bible is clear about how we should be treating those around us, no matter the difference of opinion. Would it be nice if we all agreed? Absolutely, but that is not going to happen on this side of heaven. Attacking other people though, ostracizing them because they are different, belittling, rejecting, and judging them simply because they live differently than you do does not follow the examples of Christ.

I am a Christian. I am saved. When I die, I will be reunited with the Father in Heaven. No matter what you think, say, or feel to the contrary, my salvation is not contingent on your acceptance of who I am as a person. That is up to Christ.

I accepted His gift, and I am focusing my energy on spreading that message. Christ loves me. My being Transgender is not a mistake- I am not some broken thing, I was created with a purpose. I was made with an intentional design.

There are days I wish I had all of the answers, I wish I knew what the plan for my life was. However, since I do not know, I can only trust in the Father. I will continue to move forward, loving Him, and loving others.

What will you do?

 

~Megan~

 

Even in the Dark Times

I have started so many posts these past few months, but have always stopped halfway through. I keep thinking; What should I write? What do I really have to talk about? Why would anyone want to read this?

I decided to take a break, and really focus on things that I enjoy; this blog is important to me- but what is MOST important is that my content really be helpful to other people. Otherwise, I could just write in a journal.

So I decided that I should break things down and be real tonight. I always speak about things that are important to me, but this needs to be said, too.

I have been in a dark place the past few months. My depression and dysphoria have been overwhelming; it has been so bad that I often have lacked the ambition to do anything other than to go to work, and come home. I struggled so much with being social and friendly, that oftentimes I would go days or weeks without talking to anyone outside of those I live with.

It boils down to a few things, I suppose.

First, I miss my daughters. After I lost my job in Texas, I spent months trying to find another one, without any success. I couldn’t support them, not to mention being able to put food on my own table. When my father offered my a job in Raleigh, I knew I needed to move. I was close to losing my car, my apartment, and what few possessions I owned…. So while I am so thankful to be in North Carolina and around family and friends who truly care about me, I miss my daughters terribly. It has been almost six months since the last time I was able to see them- and I won’t see them again until the end of June. They are everything to me; for a while they were all I had left.

Second, I do not have the insurance to continue on with my transition. That’s right- I am at a standstill right now. I cannot afford my HRT, I can only afford laser every 6-8 weeks. It makes me extremely dysphoric. Most people (I believe) do not know this, but I have to wear a wig due to my receding hairline. I have enough hair to allow for corrective surgery; however the cost is astronomical and I simply do not have the ability to move forward with it at this time. I will one day (thank God), but I cannot at this time.

Third, because I work for my father who is ABSOLUTELY against my Transitioning; I am not full-time. I NEED this job to be able to support my children, and so I am caught in this ridiculous catch-22. If I quit I can go full-time, but then I won’t have a job to support me being full-time. Frankly, there are many times I feel like a fraud or something due to my inability to be myself 100% of the time. I know that I would tell anyone ELSE in my situation that it doesn’t make them any less of a Trans person, but I still struggle to take that for myself.

Fourth, because I am so lonely. I miss having someone to be close with, to share secrets with, to love me for me. I feel like because I am not able to be full-time, no one is going to want to be with me. I feel dysphoric, and so I let myself believe that no one will want me the way that I present currently. I want someone to want me.

So why am I telling you all of this nonsense about what I am dealing with? I suppose it is an attempt to be transparent. I am so thankful that I have a God who is near, even when I feel so lost or alone. He never gives up on me; and he is there for me, always.

Psalm 34:18: “The LORD is near to those who are discouraged; he saves those who have lost all hope.

It helps me to know that He already knows what I am going through. He is a big God; He can handle me when I am at my lowest. He always shows me things to lift my spirits, or to show me that He loves me and cares for me.

I have been dwelling on Romans 8:31-38 a lot lately.

“What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since He did not spare even His own Son but gave Him up for us all, won’t He also give us everything else? Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for His own? No one- for God Himself has given us right standing with Himself. Who then will condemn us? No one-For Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and He is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.
Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (As the Scriptures say, ‘For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep’). No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow- not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.”

Wow. Say that again. NOT EVEN THE POWERS OF HELL CAN SEPARATE US FROM GOD’S LOVE.

He loves us, unconditionally, wholeheartedly, passionately, and without end.

He is there for us to lean on, to cry out to (or scream at/to if necessary), to listen to us, hear us. He loves us at our weakest, most vulnerable. He knows us.

He knows us.

What a comforting thought.

~Megan~

 

The Darkness of Silence

I haven’t written a post in quite some time. I wish I had a good reason, but the truth is that it is so much easier not to write one, to not put myself out there. Every time I post something there is a spike in attacks against me, and it gets exhausting. Never mind the fact that it’s obvious they are reacting because of the truth I discuss. That this is exactly why I am so vocal.

So tonight I want to discuss silence, and why we can’t stay hidden in the shadows when things get tough.

“When the world is silent, even one voice becomes powerful.” – Malala Yousafzai

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard stories from people who have experienced abuse in some way, and were not protected or defended. This is even more evident in our society today as more and more women are coming forward with tales of their sexual abuse by individuals in positions of power and influence. They were kept from revealing this sooner because of their feelings of helplessness. Who would believe them?

I feel as though we live in a world that empowers attackers and abusers because we blame the victim. “What did you do to cause this to happen?” Imagine being attacked and then blamed for it even happening.

I am a Transgender Rights Activist because I believe that Trans people like myself deserve equal rights and treatment. It is hard to have any progress happen when even the President believes that we are a burden and unnecessary. This belief emboldens others, causing them to feel justified in their attacks.

The same holds true when we remain silent about injustice. When we witness something, it is our duty to speak out against it. Otherwise we are no better than those who have committed the offense. Darkness breeds in silence and bowed heads. It is only by rising above and saying that we won’t stand for it any longer, that we show them they can’t get away with it.

 

~Megan~

Some of My Recent Thoughts

I haven’t written in quite some time, honestly because I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say.

Depression has a way of taking the things you love and twisting them so that you can hardly stand to even think about them, not to mention actually do them.

So I’ve been using my “time off” to really focus on my walk with Christ, my job, and my transition. Basically I’m trying to strip everything away and focus on what is good in my life.

I’ve been thinking a lot about transition, and how some people seem to think that in order to transition, we must be extremely selfish. To them, someone who does, only cares about themselves and doesn’t care about the people in their life at all.

I believe that transitioning is realizing that you are important too, and that our lives have value, and so therefore it is the ultimate embodiment of self-care.

See, before I began this journey my mental health had deteriorated so far that I was suicidal- I almost took my life. I realized that I HAD to make a change. Me deciding to transition was, for me, choosing life. I realized that I was allowed to be valuable, I was allowed to think of myself.

This is my experience, it isn’t the same for everyone. If you choose to stay in the closet, your life has the same value. You choose what will bring you the most safety, care, and overall fulfillment.

I am fully aware that this post has the appearance of rambling; I suppose I wanted to write down what I’ve been thinking about lately, and you have the unfortunate…”privilege”… To be reading it.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about how trans women are accused of removing the rights of cis women. To be honest, this blows my mind. Trans women have always been, and will always be women. Saying that our fight for equal rights invalidates the rights of people who ALREADY have them doesn’t make sense.

If our fight for rights offends you, perhaps you should remember that not too long ago, cis women were fighting for the same thing. By gaining rights these women did not take anything from their male counterparts, but rather were boosted to a level of (for the most part) equality. That is all we as trans people are asking for.

It really isn’t that complicated.

Anyways, that’s all for now!

Love you all!

~Megan~

I am a Transgender Woman, and No, I will Not Stay Silent

I am writing this post tonight because I am tired. Too many times I have witnessed people coming out of the woodwork and attacking people like me. Time and time again we have been told that our right to exist is nothing more than liberal pandering. Quite frankly, I have had enough.

Let’s be frank; Transgender and gender non-conforming people frighten many conservatives because we do not fit their traditional mold of what they think a “normal” person should be. They feel that our existence and the fact that we will not remain in the shadows of our fear and self-loathing infringes on their comfort and sensibilities.

Do not mistake me here- people are allowed to disagree with me. They are allowed to feel and think a certain way. That is one of the things that makes this world such a great place. Freedom of expression and thought is a right that every human being should possess. I am just so tired.

I am tired of death threats.

I am tired of being told that my parents should have killed me as a child.

I am tired of  being told graphic details of how I should be “put down”.

I am tired of being called a sexual predator.

I am tired of being told to stop speaking out.

I am tired of reading that another one of my transgender brothers and sisters have been killed because of who they are.

I am tired of being afraid.

Fear is what kept me in the closet for twenty seven years of my life. Fear is what led to me keeping this important part of myself from my spouse. Fear is what kept me living a lie.

Fear is a weapon that is being used against Transgender people- both adults and children- and it needs to stop.

Our existence is not a “plague”, or an attempt to remove the rights for others. Sometimes I have such trouble wrapping my mind around the idea that Transgender people having basic human rights and privileges could somehow possibly infringe on someone else. We are simply asking to be treated just like everyone else.

So no, I will not stop talking about it. I will not slow down, or change course simply because it makes someone else uncomfortable. I am not going back into the closet, I am not hiding who I am. We exist, we are here. We are going to continue to be seen…and change is coming.

~Megan~

We Belong

I debated writing a blog post about the Military Ban President Trump tweeted about on Wednesday, July 26th- but honestly, what is the point?

I am not saying that it is not something that should be discussed, not at all! I think it is an important issue and it desperately needs to be addressed before people get hurt. What I mean is that the problem isn’t going to be addressed by a blog post, it goes too deep and too wide to be covered and handled that way.

The problem I am discussing is this idea that Transgender people are a burden and a disruption to society. In one single blow, (or rather three small tweets) the president was able to invalidate Transgender lives, and undermine the progress we have been making.

By claiming we are a burden on society it is now in the minds of cishet Americans that they shouldn’t have to accept us, or think of us as human beings because we are a “problem”. This erasure and demeaning attitude will cost lives if it is allowed to continue.

Transgender people are NOT burdens. We are simply people trying to survive in a world that has shown us repeatedly that they believe us to be lesser beings. We are not a disruption to society because we exist, we are a disruption to society because we provide a nice scapegoat for an administration that is trying to alleviate some of the attention on him caused by his dealings with Russia.

I made a new friend today. She was a Marine who proudly served our country. She came out as a Transgender woman after leaving the service- THIS is who Trump is trying to say is a burden on society- someone who fought for our rights and freedoms.

I am disgusted with the amount of hateful trolls that have come out of the woodwork since this was announced. Oh, I know that they existed before, and that they thought this way already- but now they are validated by the man they elected into office.

I am not in the military, nor will I ever enlist because of reasons that are my own. That being said, this ban will affect all Transgender and gender non conforming people in the near future, if it is not already. Why? If those people who have put their lives on the line are not safe, not protected- not RESPECTED for their service, how long do you think it will be before Civilians are targeted as burdens and disruptions?

I am not trying to make something out of nothing. I am not trying fear tactics, or spreading inflammatory rhetoric. I am simply trying to state that Transgender people have a right to exist freely and openly- without the contempt and having to endure the painful and damaging thoughts of those who think we do not deserve to exist.

We are not Burdens. We are not disruptions. We exist- and we BELONG.

~Megan~

Life Update

Hello lovely people,

I am sorry that it has taken me so long to write an update. To be honest, a lot has happened in my life in the past few weeks and so it has taken a lot of energy from me. I finally feel that I am in a place where I can write it down coherently.

  • On June 16th, 2017 my spouse and I were legally divorced after 10 years of marriage. This was very difficult, and a very emotional time for me. I did not want it, but I do want her to be happy. I am glad that she gets to start over and be happy, I just miss her very much.

 

  • On June 18th, I packed up my apartment and drove 27 hours from Texas to Raleigh, North Carolina. I have family that lives in Raleigh, and I chose to move for several reasons. First, I was laid off from a job I had held for 6 years in mid April. I could no longer support myself, and I was struggling just to put food on my table. Second, I needed a bit of separation from the emotional surroundings. I did not have a support system in San Angelo, and while I did have a few wonderful friends, I needed to be around my family. Third, I needed to go further with my transition and being in Texas was not a healthy environment for me. Leaving my daughters was the hardest decision I have ever had to make, and while I know it was the right one, it is very painful still. I could not provide for myself, let alone them.

 

  • On June 21st I started working in my fathers office. I have a lot of management and customer service experience, and he needed someone who could help reorganize, update his paperwork, contact customers, schedule jobs, and do damage control. I am in my element and loving it.

 

  • On June 21st I also started HRT! I cannot adequately describe the amount of joy and relief I felt after taking that first dose. I felt like everything was on the path to becoming right in the world, and I am so excited!

Gettting to live as myself, to have people around me call me Megan, and treat me as the person I truly am is an amazing feeling. I have never been so validated and accepted in my life. There are dark spots, sure, like not being with my beautiful daughters, and working through the aftermath of the divorce, but overall my depression has faded and I am so much happier!

I love you all, hopefully there will be more soon <3

~Megan~

Does Jesus Accept the LGBTQA+ Community?

Hello lovely people 💖

Today I wanted to talk about whether or not Jesus accepts the LGBTQA+ Community, because as a Transgender Christian- my faith and salvation are constantly attacked and fall under scrutiny on social media. This is not a “woe is me” post, far from it! I think this is something that we need to be clear on.

Before I begin, I am going to show a few examples of a conversation I had with a gentleman on Twitter this week. To respect his privacy, I have removed his screen name. This isn’t about calling him out, but rather discussing this mindset and belief.


 

 

 

Roman’s 15:7 says that we are to “Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.”

We are all imperfect people, and will not be made otherwise until we finally are in Heaven with God the Father. In choosing love, and to love one another, we are echoing the best example we could ever have been given- Jesus Christ.

1 Timothy 1:15 says “Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners- of whom I am the worst.”

There isn’t an exception made here. He came to save sinners, all of us. No one of us is better than the next when it comes to sin. Yet, despite this, He still chose to save us from it, and to make us perfect and blameless by His death, and our acceptance of Salvation.

Psalm 139:14 “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

God made us, and called us perfect. How does that work with the idea people seem to have that the LGBTQA+ Community are broken, disgusting, and hell-bound individuals?

Ephesians 1:3-6 “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption into becoming a child of His through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will – to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.”

This is perhaps one of my favorite passages of scripture. He chose us to be holy and blameless in his sight! Before the creation of the world he knew that I was going to be Transgender, because he designed me that way, and calls me holy and blameless through Jesus Christ.

Colossians 1:21-22 “Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation.”

Read that again. Without blemish and free from accusation. These verses are straight out of the bible, folks. I do not know how to be any clearer than this. We are not condemned, we are loved and accepted by Jesus Christ, and made blameless through His sacrifice.

This post is not going to chance the minds of those who are heartily against the LGBTQA+ Community. Instead, I hope this gives you peace and the ability to know that Jesus loves you. YOU! He accepts you. He made you the way you are, and you are dear to Him.

I love you all, too.

~Megan~

How Can You be Transgender and a Christian?

NOTE: I have decided to write this blog post again, as it is important to me and something I feel that needs to be said. I wrote this over a year ago on my first blog, but unfortunately the blog was deleted. I apologize if you have read something of mine like this before, but I encourage you to read it if you are struggling to connect your Christianity with your Identity.

As I child I was always taught that the LGBTQA+ community was nothing more than sinners who were going to hell. I knew from a very early age (I believe around the age of 5) that I was different, that I was not a boy and that something was terribly wrong. I could not mention this to my parents though, because I was terrified about their reactions. (Hindsight: this was a good idea, they would not have accepted this)

I remember praying so hard as a child that God would change me- that I would wake up in the morning and have my body be transformed into the body of the girl that I was inside. I remember waking up and being devastated that this hadn’t happened. I would sob in secret, and be miserable wondering what was wrong with me.

Over the years I would do my best to hide it- because I was raised in a home and church body that taught me that the LGBTQA+ Community was disgusting and an abomination in the sight of God, and so I felt that in order to honor Him and obey Him I needed to be exactly what I was expected to be.

I wore a mask; I buried everything. I prayed, I sang at church, I even helped in the children’s church, but inside I was a hollow shell. I kept returning to this thought:

“If God created me (which I knew was true), and He doesn’t make mistakes, then why is the Church telling me that to be Transgender is a Sin and wrong? Why would being who I am send me to Hell and eternity without God?”

It seemed to me that there as a contradiction being taught. I decided to study on my own. If I was going to be condemned for being Transgender, I wanted to know why directly from the Bible.  I started with the one truth I knew for absolute certain:

John 3:16 – “For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whosoever believes in Him Shall not Perish but have everlasting life.” This verse is so often quoted that many Christians take it for granted. I read it over and over, letting it soak in. Jesus died so that ANYONE who believes in Him will have everlasting life. There isn’t an exception- there isn’t an “everyone except that particular group” clause mentioned anywhere. This being the case, and truth, how can I be Transgender and a Christian, despite what the church is teaching?

I have conversations with other Christians all the time, mostly on social media. Most of them (probably all, who are we kidding???) will return to the book of Leviticus every time. I have been quoted Leviticus 20:13 (discusses homosexuality) more times than I can count. I am not going to lie, this verse bothered my for some time, and added to my confusion and uncertainty. However, I chose to read and study. (NOTE: I have done extensive study on this particular book of the Bible, so much that I intend to devote one of my next blog posts to it! Stay tuned)

Galatians 3:21-25“Is the law then against the promises of God? Certainly not! For if there had been a law given which could have given life, truly righteousness would have been by the law. But the Scripture has confined all under sin, that the promise by faith in Jesus Christ might be given to those who believe. But before faith came, we were kept under guard by the law, kept for the faith which would afterward be revealed. Therefore the law was our tutor to bring us to Christ, that we might be justified by faith. But after faith has come, we are no longer under a tutor.”

I had to read this a few times before it finally sank in. I listened to sermons in the past about the “Old Law”, and that Jesus came to Earth not only to die for our sins, but to establish the “new law” with his people! The old law was put into place to prepare the Jewish people for the arrival of Christ, it is as simple as that. The old rules and requirements were stripped away when Jesus came to restore our relationship with the Father.

John 1:17“For the law was given through Moses, but God’s unfailing love and faithfulness came through Jesus Christ.”

Jesus came to earth to reveal to us God’s unfailing love, His compassion, and his faithfulness. No longer were we bound by the rituals or blood sacrifices as they were given to us (a necessity at the time) by Moses, but to create something new. His death, and the blood that was shed on the cross took over, and covered forever the need for such a sacrifice.

John 13:34“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.”

This is our new commandment. This is what we are called to do- love one another. Not “judge one another”, not condemn, ostracize, belittle, or verbally abuse others because they may be challenging what we have been taught our entire lives, but to accept and love them.

I have said all of this, to make this point. I am a daughter of Jesus Christ, I am accepted and loved by Him. His sacrifice was as much for me as it was for you. He does not condemn me, and I refuse to hide who I am because it may offend people in the church. I am not the “model Christian”. I make mistakes, I am certainly not perfect. I have simply reconciled my faith with my being a Transgender woman. I am one of Christ’s children, and nothing or no one can take that away.

I still want to honor Him always with my actions. I want to love the unlovable, because I was one of those unlovable people until I accepted Christ. Maybe that is the reason that I am here, why I am going through all of this so that I can share my story, and show that God loves you no matter what you are going through. All I know for certain is that I am not forsaken, lost, or unwanted. I have a Savior who wants me, Transgender or otherwise. That, to me, is everything.