life

It’s okay to not be okay

I do not handle traumatic experiences well. I wish that I could say something different, that I could lie and say that I am brave, or emotionally secure enough to let them wash over me like some sort of superhero. The truth is far from it.

When difficult things happen, my defense mechanism is to shut down. I will say things like “I am fine”, doing my best to downplay whatever is truly going on in an attempt to prove that I am okay. Who am I kidding though? I am not okay.

I avoid talking about it. I don’t really talk with my friends, I don’t interact on social media. I replay those events over in my mind a thousand times, going over every single detail.

But then things happen that trigger these events, like someone yelling at me, someone making a joke that infers that I am not intelligent… or the Kavanaugh catastrophe being blasted out everywhere I look.

Then I begin to spiral, because instead of dealing with these events as they happen, I block them out until they build to a breaking point. I go to a dark place, where sometimes I can’t find a way out of it.

This is not okay. I know it is not okay. I still struggle with it.

It is important to know that you are not alone, that you matter, and that you can get through it. Even when it hurts so bad you can’t breathe, you will come out the other side.

I am grateful for my friends, and their refusal to let me sit alone with what I am dealing with.

Because some days it is too much… and they are there to take over for me.

It is okay to not be okay.

You matter.

Breathe.

Life Update

Hello lovely people,

I am sorry that it has taken me so long to write an update. To be honest, a lot has happened in my life in the past few weeks and so it has taken a lot of energy from me. I finally feel that I am in a place where I can write it down coherently.

  • On June 16th, 2017 my spouse and I were legally divorced after 10 years of marriage. This was very difficult, and a very emotional time for me. I did not want it, but I do want her to be happy. I am glad that she gets to start over and be happy, I just miss her very much.

 

  • On June 18th, I packed up my apartment and drove 27 hours from Texas to Raleigh, North Carolina. I have family that lives in Raleigh, and I chose to move for several reasons. First, I was laid off from a job I had held for 6 years in mid April. I could no longer support myself, and I was struggling just to put food on my table. Second, I needed a bit of separation from the emotional surroundings. I did not have a support system in San Angelo, and while I did have a few wonderful friends, I needed to be around my family. Third, I needed to go further with my transition and being in Texas was not a healthy environment for me. Leaving my daughters was the hardest decision I have ever had to make, and while I know it was the right one, it is very painful still. I could not provide for myself, let alone them.

 

  • On June 21st I started working in my fathers office. I have a lot of management and customer service experience, and he needed someone who could help reorganize, update his paperwork, contact customers, schedule jobs, and do damage control. I am in my element and loving it.

 

  • On June 21st I also started HRT! I cannot adequately describe the amount of joy and relief I felt after taking that first dose. I felt like everything was on the path to becoming right in the world, and I am so excited!

Gettting to live as myself, to have people around me call me Megan, and treat me as the person I truly am is an amazing feeling. I have never been so validated and accepted in my life. There are dark spots, sure, like not being with my beautiful daughters, and working through the aftermath of the divorce, but overall my depression has faded and I am so much happier!

I love you all, hopefully there will be more soon <3

~Megan~