hurting

Even in the Dark Times

I have started so many posts these past few months, but have always stopped halfway through. I keep thinking; What should I write? What do I really have to talk about? Why would anyone want to read this?

I decided to take a break, and really focus on things that I enjoy; this blog is important to me- but what is MOST important is that my content really be helpful to other people. Otherwise, I could just write in a journal.

So I decided that I should break things down and be real tonight. I always speak about things that are important to me, but this needs to be said, too.

I have been in a dark place the past few months. My depression and dysphoria have been overwhelming; it has been so bad that I often have lacked the ambition to do anything other than to go to work, and come home. I struggled so much with being social and friendly, that oftentimes I would go days or weeks without talking to anyone outside of those I live with.

It boils down to a few things, I suppose.

First, I miss my daughters. After I lost my job in Texas, I spent months trying to find another one, without any success. I couldn’t support them, not to mention being able to put food on my own table. When my father offered my a job in Raleigh, I knew I needed to move. I was close to losing my car, my apartment, and what few possessions I owned…. So while I am so thankful to be in North Carolina and around family and friends who truly care about me, I miss my daughters terribly. It has been almost six months since the last time I was able to see them- and I won’t see them again until the end of June. They are everything to me; for a while they were all I had left.

Second, I do not have the insurance to continue on with my transition. That’s right- I am at a standstill right now. I cannot afford my HRT, I can only afford laser every 6-8 weeks. It makes me extremely dysphoric. Most people (I believe) do not know this, but I have to wear a wig due to my receding hairline. I have enough hair to allow for corrective surgery; however the cost is astronomical and I simply do not have the ability to move forward with it at this time. I will one day (thank God), but I cannot at this time.

Third, because I work for my father who is ABSOLUTELY against my Transitioning; I am not full-time. I NEED this job to be able to support my children, and so I am caught in this ridiculous catch-22. If I quit I can go full-time, but then I won’t have a job to support me being full-time. Frankly, there are many times I feel like a fraud or something due to my inability to be myself 100% of the time. I know that I would tell anyone ELSE in my situation that it doesn’t make them any less of a Trans person, but I still struggle to take that for myself.

Fourth, because I am so lonely. I miss having someone to be close with, to share secrets with, to love me for me. I feel like because I am not able to be full-time, no one is going to want to be with me. I feel dysphoric, and so I let myself believe that no one will want me the way that I present currently. I want someone to want me.

So why am I telling you all of this nonsense about what I am dealing with? I suppose it is an attempt to be transparent. I am so thankful that I have a God who is near, even when I feel so lost or alone. He never gives up on me; and he is there for me, always.

Psalm 34:18: “The LORD is near to those who are discouraged; he saves those who have lost all hope.

It helps me to know that He already knows what I am going through. He is a big God; He can handle me when I am at my lowest. He always shows me things to lift my spirits, or to show me that He loves me and cares for me.

I have been dwelling on Romans 8:31-38 a lot lately.

“What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since He did not spare even His own Son but gave Him up for us all, won’t He also give us everything else? Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for His own? No one- for God Himself has given us right standing with Himself. Who then will condemn us? No one-For Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and He is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.
Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (As the Scriptures say, ‘For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep’). No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow- not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.”

Wow. Say that again. NOT EVEN THE POWERS OF HELL CAN SEPARATE US FROM GOD’S LOVE.

He loves us, unconditionally, wholeheartedly, passionately, and without end.

He is there for us to lean on, to cry out to (or scream at/to if necessary), to listen to us, hear us. He loves us at our weakest, most vulnerable. He knows us.

He knows us.

What a comforting thought.

~Megan~

 

Where is God When We are Hurting?

Life here on Earth can be messy, painful, and stressful. We will all experience some form of struggle during our lives. Of course we know that there can be such joy in our lives, but those bad times can be so incredibly difficult.
We as Christian’s know in our minds that God is there, but in these hard situations sometimes it can feel like God is so far away in the physical here and now.

In all honesty, no matter how often we feel God’s hand in and on a situation there are those other times when He lets our situations grow into a seemingly impossible circumstance. It’s in these times of trial and hardship that we (I know I can’t be the only one) sometimes ask the Father why He would allow this thing to happen to us.

Why do we ask this? I don’t actually believe it is from a lack of faith, but rather because we know who God is, the all-powerful, all-knowing, loving Father- we want Him to intervene in our circumstances and help us.

Unfortunately this can be where the aforementioned lack of faith comes in. When God happens to decide not to answer our prayer the way we requested or expect, we can begin to doubt.

The thing we have to realize, though, is that God sees things on a much bigger (and let’s face it- a much farther) scale than we do. He is not bound by our time table, and certainly not required to conform to our expectations. If He did this He would not be Master, but servant only. Does He love us? Absolutely! Does He want what’s best for us? Always. This means though that what’s best for us isn’t always what we expect.

I have heard people call God callous or heartless because of something very difficult that has happened to them. God is never to blame for what we go through, and yet He loves us so much. He doesn’t want us to struggle or to be in pain. He cares for us.

Matthew 6:26 Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to Him than they are?”

I believe that God allows us to experience some of these terrible things so that we truly believe in His power and love for us.

This brings to my mind the story of Lazarus in John 11. A short time before His crucifixion Jesus was sent a message that His dear friend Lazarus was very sick. His friends sister’s, Mary and Martha were expecting Him (Jesus) to rush to their house and heal their brother.

He said in John 11:4-6 “This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.”Now Jesus loves Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So when He heard that Lazarus was sick, He stayed where He was two more days.”

So instead of rushing to His friends side, He waited two more days. Why did He do this?

He explains in John 11:14 “Lazarus is dead, and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him.”

When Christ finally makes it to Mary and Martha’s home, He discovers that their brother had been dead for four days. Mary is understandably upset, and while crying told Jesus that if He had been there, Lazarus would be alive.

Her belief wasn’t an issue. She knew already that Jesus had the power to intervene and heal her brother. I am almost positive that she was hurt, confused, and heartbroken that Jesus didn’t seem to have cared enough about her family and arrive in time to save Lazarus.

However, Jesus identified and understood her pain, after all- Lazarus was His dear friend.

John 11:33-35 “When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. “Where have you laid him?” He asked. “Come and see, Lord,” they replied. Jesus wept.”

By this time Lazarus’ sisters, and the people who had gathered had to have expected that this was the end of it. However, it was then that Jesus chose to act and miraculously brought Lazarus back to life! Through this action He not only showed them His love, but also revealed Himself as Messiah. He chose to do this in this manner so that they would not just know who He was in their minds, but also experienced a life-changing event and believed in His power and love.

It would have been easy for Jesus to heal Lazarus, in fact I’m sure He wanted to. However, by choosing to wait He was able to truly show His power, and gave them faith that no matter what they went through they could trust that He was going to be there for them.

Are you going through a difficult or seemingly impossible circumstance? I just want you to know that Jesus is always there for you, no matter how dark it may seem. He wants to comfort you in the midst of your suffering, and wants to do something amazing for you. It may not be in the way we expect, but His plan has always and will always be better than our own.

He promises to always be there for us, and that He will never leave us. We are not alone. What an absolute comfort!

~Megan~