depression

I Almost Lost My Faith

TW: Cyber Bullying, Mental Health, Suicidal Thoughts

There was a time, not so long ago, that my Twitter timeline was filled with scriptures, quotes, and defense for my place in the Church.

I spent years trying to show that I can be both a Transgender woman, and a Christian. I debated my right to exist with Pastor’s, Christians…even my own parents.

Still, I kept on. My God loved everyone, and I just hoped that by example people would come to see that we belonged.

Still the death threats came, the hatred and vile things people would spew at me from behind their keyboards continued to pile up.

My mental health began to decline. I started to believe the things that people were saying about me, and contemplated ending my life.

I took a step back from being so active online. I stopped going to church. I stopped believing in God.

Yes, you read that right. Megan the “trans Christian” gave up on God.

I spent months trying to sort out my thoughts, beliefs, and ideas about who God was, especially if his followers were so hateful and seemingly so against the Bible itself.

I began to explore some aspects of Spirituality outside of Christianity. God began to feel close again, the more I worked with these things, the more at peace I felt.

God revealed Himself to me in small ways, His love always finding a way to push through even my most crippling depression.

I am still searching, learning, and growing as a person and in my faith.

I know that God exists. I know that He loves me. His love never fails, even when I do. I do not know where I fall most days, I’m still on my way back from the depression. I will lean on Him until I get there.

 

~Megan~

Life Update

Hello lovely people,

I am sorry that it has taken me so long to write an update. To be honest, a lot has happened in my life in the past few weeks and so it has taken a lot of energy from me. I finally feel that I am in a place where I can write it down coherently.

  • On June 16th, 2017 my spouse and I were legally divorced after 10 years of marriage. This was very difficult, and a very emotional time for me. I did not want it, but I do want her to be happy. I am glad that she gets to start over and be happy, I just miss her very much.

 

  • On June 18th, I packed up my apartment and drove 27 hours from Texas to Raleigh, North Carolina. I have family that lives in Raleigh, and I chose to move for several reasons. First, I was laid off from a job I had held for 6 years in mid April. I could no longer support myself, and I was struggling just to put food on my table. Second, I needed a bit of separation from the emotional surroundings. I did not have a support system in San Angelo, and while I did have a few wonderful friends, I needed to be around my family. Third, I needed to go further with my transition and being in Texas was not a healthy environment for me. Leaving my daughters was the hardest decision I have ever had to make, and while I know it was the right one, it is very painful still. I could not provide for myself, let alone them.

 

  • On June 21st I started working in my fathers office. I have a lot of management and customer service experience, and he needed someone who could help reorganize, update his paperwork, contact customers, schedule jobs, and do damage control. I am in my element and loving it.

 

  • On June 21st I also started HRT! I cannot adequately describe the amount of joy and relief I felt after taking that first dose. I felt like everything was on the path to becoming right in the world, and I am so excited!

Gettting to live as myself, to have people around me call me Megan, and treat me as the person I truly am is an amazing feeling. I have never been so validated and accepted in my life. There are dark spots, sure, like not being with my beautiful daughters, and working through the aftermath of the divorce, but overall my depression has faded and I am so much happier!

I love you all, hopefully there will be more soon <3

~Megan~