Oof- it has been quite a while since I have written something.
I suppose, among other things, that is because I was dealing with depression, and a strange case of “imposter syndrome”. What could I possibly have to say that someone would want to read?
I had to remind myself that I started this blog not only as a way to document what I was going through, but also on the off chance that something I have experienced will help another person. Even if it doesn’t, this is for me.
I’m struggling lately with Christianity- not Jesus, but with this faith that I was raised in. You see, I was taught that we are to love one another, the bible even tells us to.
John 13:34: “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.”
1 John 3:11: “The message you heard from the very beginning is this: we must love one another.”
1 Peter 4:8: “Above everything, love one another earnestly, because love covers over many sins.”
My struggle begins and ends with the seeming hypocrisy of His church. They welcome you to join their service; however if they discover you are anything but the cisgender heterosexual that they envisioned, then all bets are off. What happened to loving people like Jesus?
Treating people like pariahs does not win hearts for Jesus. Love does. This love does not include “friendly conversations over coffee”, where they attempt to throw the book at you for what they consider to be choice. It does not include sideways glances, pursed lips, or judgment.
I was talking to someone a few days ago about faith, and how difficult it was to continue to attend somewhere that I was pitied, and not fully welcomed. They said something that has stuck with me: “God does not care what building you attend, but what your heart is like when you meet with Him.”
My heart has been bitter and jaded. It’s good advice, though.
I don’t need to attend somewhere that “tolerates me”. God loves me for me, and that’s pretty cool. I don’t have to accept judgement or pity. I accept love.