Thoughts

Even in the Dark Times

I have started so many posts these past few months, but have always stopped halfway through. I keep thinking; What should I write? What do I really have to talk about? Why would anyone want to read this?

I decided to take a break, and really focus on things that I enjoy; this blog is important to me- but what is MOST important is that my content really be helpful to other people. Otherwise, I could just write in a journal.

So I decided that I should break things down and be real tonight. I always speak about things that are important to me, but this needs to be said, too.

I have been in a dark place the past few months. My depression and dysphoria have been overwhelming; it has been so bad that I often have lacked the ambition to do anything other than to go to work, and come home. I struggled so much with being social and friendly, that oftentimes I would go days or weeks without talking to anyone outside of those I live with.

It boils down to a few things, I suppose.

First, I miss my daughters. After I lost my job in Texas, I spent months trying to find another one, without any success. I couldn’t support them, not to mention being able to put food on my own table. When my father offered my a job in Raleigh, I knew I needed to move. I was close to losing my car, my apartment, and what few possessions I owned…. So while I am so thankful to be in North Carolina and around family and friends who truly care about me, I miss my daughters terribly. It has been almost six months since the last time I was able to see them- and I won’t see them again until the end of June. They are everything to me; for a while they were all I had left.

Second, I do not have the insurance to continue on with my transition. That’s right- I am at a standstill right now. I cannot afford my HRT, I can only afford laser every 6-8 weeks. It makes me extremely dysphoric. Most people (I believe) do not know this, but I have to wear a wig due to my receding hairline. I have enough hair to allow for corrective surgery; however the cost is astronomical and I simply do not have the ability to move forward with it at this time. I will one day (thank God), but I cannot at this time.

Third, because I work for my father who is ABSOLUTELY against my Transitioning; I am not full-time. I NEED this job to be able to support my children, and so I am caught in this ridiculous catch-22. If I quit I can go full-time, but then I won’t have a job to support me being full-time. Frankly, there are many times I feel like a fraud or something due to my inability to be myself 100% of the time. I know that I would tell anyone ELSE in my situation that it doesn’t make them any less of a Trans person, but I still struggle to take that for myself.

Fourth, because I am so lonely. I miss having someone to be close with, to share secrets with, to love me for me. I feel like because I am not able to be full-time, no one is going to want to be with me. I feel dysphoric, and so I let myself believe that no one will want me the way that I present currently. I want someone to want me.

So why am I telling you all of this nonsense about what I am dealing with? I suppose it is an attempt to be transparent. I am so thankful that I have a God who is near, even when I feel so lost or alone. He never gives up on me; and he is there for me, always.

Psalm 34:18: “The LORD is near to those who are discouraged; he saves those who have lost all hope.

It helps me to know that He already knows what I am going through. He is a big God; He can handle me when I am at my lowest. He always shows me things to lift my spirits, or to show me that He loves me and cares for me.

I have been dwelling on Romans 8:31-38 a lot lately.

“What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since He did not spare even His own Son but gave Him up for us all, won’t He also give us everything else? Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for His own? No one- for God Himself has given us right standing with Himself. Who then will condemn us? No one-For Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and He is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.
Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (As the Scriptures say, ‘For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep’). No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow- not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.”

Wow. Say that again. NOT EVEN THE POWERS OF HELL CAN SEPARATE US FROM GOD’S LOVE.

He loves us, unconditionally, wholeheartedly, passionately, and without end.

He is there for us to lean on, to cry out to (or scream at/to if necessary), to listen to us, hear us. He loves us at our weakest, most vulnerable. He knows us.

He knows us.

What a comforting thought.

~Megan~

 

The Darkness of Silence

I haven’t written a post in quite some time. I wish I had a good reason, but the truth is that it is so much easier not to write one, to not put myself out there. Every time I post something there is a spike in attacks against me, and it gets exhausting. Never mind the fact that it’s obvious they are reacting because of the truth I discuss. That this is exactly why I am so vocal.

So tonight I want to discuss silence, and why we can’t stay hidden in the shadows when things get tough.

“When the world is silent, even one voice becomes powerful.” – Malala Yousafzai

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard stories from people who have experienced abuse in some way, and were not protected or defended. This is even more evident in our society today as more and more women are coming forward with tales of their sexual abuse by individuals in positions of power and influence. They were kept from revealing this sooner because of their feelings of helplessness. Who would believe them?

I feel as though we live in a world that empowers attackers and abusers because we blame the victim. “What did you do to cause this to happen?” Imagine being attacked and then blamed for it even happening.

I am a Transgender Rights Activist because I believe that Trans people like myself deserve equal rights and treatment. It is hard to have any progress happen when even the President believes that we are a burden and unnecessary. This belief emboldens others, causing them to feel justified in their attacks.

The same holds true when we remain silent about injustice. When we witness something, it is our duty to speak out against it. Otherwise we are no better than those who have committed the offense. Darkness breeds in silence and bowed heads. It is only by rising above and saying that we won’t stand for it any longer, that we show them they can’t get away with it.

 

~Megan~

Here We Go Again…

I get a LOT of people attacking me online for bring Transgender, and I am sure that most members of the LGBTQ+ Community do as well. If youve noticed, so many of their arguments are the same! It gets tiring at times.

So… I’ve compiled a list of the most common, with my answers. I’m sure it will grow, but here is what I have so far.

1. Being Transgender goes against God’s plan.

A: God’s plan is so much bigger and more vast than we could ever comprehend. Saying that you know the mind of God, why He allows certain things to happen, and that you know the absolute right answer is not only immensely conceited of you, but shows that you do not grasp the magnitude and beauty of who God is.

2. God is Ashamed and Disgusted by the LGBTQ+ Community.

A: John 13:34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another”.

3. Being LGBTQ+ is a choice.

A: https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.livescience.com/50058-being-gay-not-a-choice.html

4. God did not design you to be Transgender. It doesn’t exist.

A: Galations 3:28 “There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”

5. There are only 2 sexes- XX(female) and XY(male)

A: I will quote Grace Ann, a biology teacher. “First of all, in a sexual species, you can have females be XX and males be X (insects), you can have females be ZW and males be ZZ (birds), you can have females be females because they developed in a warm environment and males be males because they developed in a cool environment (reptiles), you can have females be females because they lost a penis sword fighting contest (some flatworms), you can have males be males because they were born female, but changed sexes because the only male in their group died (parrotfish and clownfish),”…”Oh, did you mean humans? Oh ok then. You can be male because you were born female, but you have 5-alphareductase deficiency and so you grew a penis at age 12. You can be female because you have an X and a Y chromosome but you are insensitive to androgens, and so you have a female body. You can be female because you have an X and a Y chromosome but your Y is missing the SRY gene, and so you have a female body. You can be male because you have two X chromosomes, but one of your X’s HAS an SRY gene, and so you have a male body. You can be male because you have two X chromosomes- but also a Y,” she wrote. “You can be female because you have only one X chromosome at all. And you can be male because you have two X chromosomes, but your heart and brain are male. And vice – effing – versa. Don’t use science to justify your bigotry.”

6. Leviticus 18:22 & 20:13

A: Here’s the deal; not only was this book written as a way to establish a clear difference between the Israelites and their former Egyptian captors, it was written to discuss sexual purity. The form of relationship these verses are discussing are non-consensual, (i.e. slave/owner) or as pagan god-worshipping rituals. This does not in any way discuss a consenting, loving, and faithful relationship between two adult men. Also, if you choose to continue to utilize these verses, be prepared to give up shellfish, football and roasted ham, haircuts, misbehaving children(we are told to kill them) and mixed cotton clothing.

7. Romans 1:26-28

A: The Greek word Paul used is physikos, Which is often misinterpreted to mean natural. It is more closely translated to mean “the realities of nature”. Paul is concerned here with people acting in opposition to how God created them to be. If they were born a certain way (I.e. attracted to same sex) the abomination would then be to engage in a heterosexual relationship.

8. 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 & 1 Timothy 1:9-10

A: These both use the same Greek word arsenokoitēs, which means male prostitute- and most scholars agree it means more specifically the prostitution of young boys. Again we see that Paul was not condemning the consensual loving relationship between two adults, but this time was attacking men having sexual relations with children.

Some of My Recent Thoughts

I haven’t written in quite some time, honestly because I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say.

Depression has a way of taking the things you love and twisting them so that you can hardly stand to even think about them, not to mention actually do them.

So I’ve been using my “time off” to really focus on my walk with Christ, my job, and my transition. Basically I’m trying to strip everything away and focus on what is good in my life.

I’ve been thinking a lot about transition, and how some people seem to think that in order to transition, we must be extremely selfish. To them, someone who does, only cares about themselves and doesn’t care about the people in their life at all.

I believe that transitioning is realizing that you are important too, and that our lives have value, and so therefore it is the ultimate embodiment of self-care.

See, before I began this journey my mental health had deteriorated so far that I was suicidal- I almost took my life. I realized that I HAD to make a change. Me deciding to transition was, for me, choosing life. I realized that I was allowed to be valuable, I was allowed to think of myself.

This is my experience, it isn’t the same for everyone. If you choose to stay in the closet, your life has the same value. You choose what will bring you the most safety, care, and overall fulfillment.

I am fully aware that this post has the appearance of rambling; I suppose I wanted to write down what I’ve been thinking about lately, and you have the unfortunate…”privilege”… To be reading it.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about how trans women are accused of removing the rights of cis women. To be honest, this blows my mind. Trans women have always been, and will always be women. Saying that our fight for equal rights invalidates the rights of people who ALREADY have them doesn’t make sense.

If our fight for rights offends you, perhaps you should remember that not too long ago, cis women were fighting for the same thing. By gaining rights these women did not take anything from their male counterparts, but rather were boosted to a level of (for the most part) equality. That is all we as trans people are asking for.

It really isn’t that complicated.

Anyways, that’s all for now!

Love you all!

~Megan~

I am a Transgender Woman, and No, I will Not Stay Silent

I am writing this post tonight because I am tired. Too many times I have witnessed people coming out of the woodwork and attacking people like me. Time and time again we have been told that our right to exist is nothing more than liberal pandering. Quite frankly, I have had enough.

Let’s be frank; Transgender and gender non-conforming people frighten many conservatives because we do not fit their traditional mold of what they think a “normal” person should be. They feel that our existence and the fact that we will not remain in the shadows of our fear and self-loathing infringes on their comfort and sensibilities.

Do not mistake me here- people are allowed to disagree with me. They are allowed to feel and think a certain way. That is one of the things that makes this world such a great place. Freedom of expression and thought is a right that every human being should possess. I am just so tired.

I am tired of death threats.

I am tired of being told that my parents should have killed me as a child.

I am tired of  being told graphic details of how I should be “put down”.

I am tired of being called a sexual predator.

I am tired of being told to stop speaking out.

I am tired of reading that another one of my transgender brothers and sisters have been killed because of who they are.

I am tired of being afraid.

Fear is what kept me in the closet for twenty seven years of my life. Fear is what led to me keeping this important part of myself from my spouse. Fear is what kept me living a lie.

Fear is a weapon that is being used against Transgender people- both adults and children- and it needs to stop.

Our existence is not a “plague”, or an attempt to remove the rights for others. Sometimes I have such trouble wrapping my mind around the idea that Transgender people having basic human rights and privileges could somehow possibly infringe on someone else. We are simply asking to be treated just like everyone else.

So no, I will not stop talking about it. I will not slow down, or change course simply because it makes someone else uncomfortable. I am not going back into the closet, I am not hiding who I am. We exist, we are here. We are going to continue to be seen…and change is coming.

~Megan~

The Power of Words -A Look at Cyberbullying

With the advance of technology it has become so incredibly easy to access the internet from almost any part of the globe. I don’t even need a physical computer anymore; I am writing this blog post from my cell phone. It really is an incredible thing.

However today I’m discussing a more serious issue, an issue that is made, unfortunately, considerably more easy because of technology. I wanted to write about bullying, and even more specifically the rise of cyberbullying.

Stopbullying.gov defines cyberbullying as:

“Bullying that takes place using electronic technology. Electronic technology includes devices and equipment such as cell phones, computers, and tablets as well as communication tools including social media sites, text messages, chat, and websites. Examples of cyberbullying include mean text messages or emails, rumors sent by email or posted on social networking sites, and embarrassing pictures, videos, websites, or fake profiles.”

Generally when discussing statistics or stories about cyberbullying we think of children in schools, but many adults face cyberbullying as well. A Pew Research Study survey found that almost 75% of American Adults have witnessed online harassment, with 40% reporting to be the victim of it. These are not low numbers.

Sometimes it can seem harmless enough. A picture shared, a simple joke among friends. Many times I have seen a topic joked about simply because the person is uncomfortable about it, or doesn’t understand or agree with it.

This is a dangerous place to find yourself. Putting someone else down for your own amusement is far from pleasant, it is extremely hurtful.

As a Transgender woman, I am not immune from this. It is so easy to attack people that you will never meet, and it is not fun. I am constantly being attacked for who I am, and have even received death threats. I am not going to lie, sometimes it is overwhelming.

Lately I’ve noticed an increased number of “memes” (image, video, piece of text, etc. that is copied/shared and spreads rapidly via the internet) that involves a picture of someone that does not conform not “traditional” beauty standards. These images are hurtful. I know that several people on my own friends list will read this and roll their eyes. They will say that I’m either overreacting, or that people get their feelings hurt too easily.

I beg to differ, though. I think more people should be offended by things like this. Our society puts such a pressure on conforming and looking/behaving a certain way- way too much. Imagine then, if you already have such low self-esteem because you do not feel as though you fit in, and find out your image was used as a JOKE on the internet?

Cyberbullying does not limit itself to image alone. Many people in the LGBT community struggle with attacks and many minorities and people of color (poc) do as well.

It is easy to sit behind your computer, or your cellphone and type out hurtful words and threats when you don’t have to look that person in the eye.

4,400 people between the ages of 10 and 24 kill themselves each year because of bullying. This is both terrifying and PREVENTABLE.

Please think about your words and actions. They are not trivial, and can have a lasting affect on the people around you. Your harmless joke may be painful and hurtful towards someone else.

If you are a victim of cyberbullying, or threatened in any way please get help. I have included some links below. Reach out. You are not alone.

~Megan~

National Suicide Prevention Hotline:      1-800-273-8255

CyberBully Hotline: 1-800-420-1479

The Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386

To Write Live On Her Arms

We Belong

I debated writing a blog post about the Military Ban President Trump tweeted about on Wednesday, July 26th- but honestly, what is the point?

I am not saying that it is not something that should be discussed, not at all! I think it is an important issue and it desperately needs to be addressed before people get hurt. What I mean is that the problem isn’t going to be addressed by a blog post, it goes too deep and too wide to be covered and handled that way.

The problem I am discussing is this idea that Transgender people are a burden and a disruption to society. In one single blow, (or rather three small tweets) the president was able to invalidate Transgender lives, and undermine the progress we have been making.

By claiming we are a burden on society it is now in the minds of cishet Americans that they shouldn’t have to accept us, or think of us as human beings because we are a “problem”. This erasure and demeaning attitude will cost lives if it is allowed to continue.

Transgender people are NOT burdens. We are simply people trying to survive in a world that has shown us repeatedly that they believe us to be lesser beings. We are not a disruption to society because we exist, we are a disruption to society because we provide a nice scapegoat for an administration that is trying to alleviate some of the attention on him caused by his dealings with Russia.

I made a new friend today. She was a Marine who proudly served our country. She came out as a Transgender woman after leaving the service- THIS is who Trump is trying to say is a burden on society- someone who fought for our rights and freedoms.

I am disgusted with the amount of hateful trolls that have come out of the woodwork since this was announced. Oh, I know that they existed before, and that they thought this way already- but now they are validated by the man they elected into office.

I am not in the military, nor will I ever enlist because of reasons that are my own. That being said, this ban will affect all Transgender and gender non conforming people in the near future, if it is not already. Why? If those people who have put their lives on the line are not safe, not protected- not RESPECTED for their service, how long do you think it will be before Civilians are targeted as burdens and disruptions?

I am not trying to make something out of nothing. I am not trying fear tactics, or spreading inflammatory rhetoric. I am simply trying to state that Transgender people have a right to exist freely and openly- without the contempt and having to endure the painful and damaging thoughts of those who think we do not deserve to exist.

We are not Burdens. We are not disruptions. We exist- and we BELONG.

~Megan~