Author: admin

Please Let Me Wake Up

So wait… now I am not a person?

At least, not to the Trump Administration…which I guess isn’t really news.

Some days I feel like I am living in a movie, a soap opera in which the unbelievable happens and we are all waiting for the story line to resolve. Except, it’s not resolving.

Instead, it seems like every day there is some new thing I have to brace myself for; like I need to adjust my mentality, prepare for the comments, hate, laughter, or apathy. I think that one is the worst, the apathy.

Hey, I see that someone is trying to erase your existence, but it doesn’t affect me so I am just going to go about my business.

As if to say that if I wasn’t here, it wouldn’t matter.

Seriously, it blows my mind! Donald Trump is attempting to say that my entire life does not matter. My experiences, my thoughts, my feelings, ME. I do not matter. As if my life boils down to a disputed genetic test.

1.4 million Americans identify as something other than the gender that they were born into. 1.4 million. That is a significant number.

Yet, just like that, I am being erased. I am being discarded.

I matter, you matter. My identity is valid. My experiences, matter.

This can’t be happening. I need to wake up. Please let me wake up.

It’s okay to not be okay

I do not handle traumatic experiences well. I wish that I could say something different, that I could lie and say that I am brave, or emotionally secure enough to let them wash over me like some sort of superhero. The truth is far from it.

When difficult things happen, my defense mechanism is to shut down. I will say things like “I am fine”, doing my best to downplay whatever is truly going on in an attempt to prove that I am okay. Who am I kidding though? I am not okay.

I avoid talking about it. I don’t really talk with my friends, I don’t interact on social media. I replay those events over in my mind a thousand times, going over every single detail.

But then things happen that trigger these events, like someone yelling at me, someone making a joke that infers that I am not intelligent… or the Kavanaugh catastrophe being blasted out everywhere I look.

Then I begin to spiral, because instead of dealing with these events as they happen, I block them out until they build to a breaking point. I go to a dark place, where sometimes I can’t find a way out of it.

This is not okay. I know it is not okay. I still struggle with it.

It is important to know that you are not alone, that you matter, and that you can get through it. Even when it hurts so bad you can’t breathe, you will come out the other side.

I am grateful for my friends, and their refusal to let me sit alone with what I am dealing with.

Because some days it is too much… and they are there to take over for me.

It is okay to not be okay.

You matter.

Breathe.

I am not a “Broken Thing”

“It’s just a fad you’re going through.”
“This is your cross to bear.”
“Have you tried praying about it?”
“When Jesus tells me that I should, I will accept it.”
“God doesn’t make mistakes.”
“Maybe you need to speak to someone about it.”
“I will always respect you, even though you are living in sin.”
“You wouldn’t be badly treated if you were not living this way.”
“You chose this, now you have to deal with the consequences.”
“You will always be a man in a dress.”
“We all have struggles. You just need to give it to God.”
“I will pray that God reveals His truth to you.”

Tired of reading these yet? I promise you cannot be more tired of reading those, than I am of hearing and seeing them. Being invalidated daily, sucks.

We can do so much better, folks. We are called to minister to the broken, not tear them down, berate them, or treat them as lesser human beings because of who they are as a person.

“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mothers, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” – Ephesians 4:29-32

 

“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.” – John 15:12

“If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother.” – 1 John 4:20-21

“The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” – Mark 12:31

“Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” – Matthew 7:3-5

The bible is clear about how we should be treating those around us, no matter the difference of opinion. Would it be nice if we all agreed? Absolutely, but that is not going to happen on this side of heaven. Attacking other people though, ostracizing them because they are different, belittling, rejecting, and judging them simply because they live differently than you do does not follow the examples of Christ.

I am a Christian. I am saved. When I die, I will be reunited with the Father in Heaven. No matter what you think, say, or feel to the contrary, my salvation is not contingent on your acceptance of who I am as a person. That is up to Christ.

I accepted His gift, and I am focusing my energy on spreading that message. Christ loves me. My being Transgender is not a mistake- I am not some broken thing, I was created with a purpose. I was made with an intentional design.

There are days I wish I had all of the answers, I wish I knew what the plan for my life was. However, since I do not know, I can only trust in the Father. I will continue to move forward, loving Him, and loving others.

What will you do?

 

~Megan~

 

Even in the Dark Times

I have started so many posts these past few months, but have always stopped halfway through. I keep thinking; What should I write? What do I really have to talk about? Why would anyone want to read this?

I decided to take a break, and really focus on things that I enjoy; this blog is important to me- but what is MOST important is that my content really be helpful to other people. Otherwise, I could just write in a journal.

So I decided that I should break things down and be real tonight. I always speak about things that are important to me, but this needs to be said, too.

I have been in a dark place the past few months. My depression and dysphoria have been overwhelming; it has been so bad that I often have lacked the ambition to do anything other than to go to work, and come home. I struggled so much with being social and friendly, that oftentimes I would go days or weeks without talking to anyone outside of those I live with.

It boils down to a few things, I suppose.

First, I miss my daughters. After I lost my job in Texas, I spent months trying to find another one, without any success. I couldn’t support them, not to mention being able to put food on my own table. When my father offered my a job in Raleigh, I knew I needed to move. I was close to losing my car, my apartment, and what few possessions I owned…. So while I am so thankful to be in North Carolina and around family and friends who truly care about me, I miss my daughters terribly. It has been almost six months since the last time I was able to see them- and I won’t see them again until the end of June. They are everything to me; for a while they were all I had left.

Second, I do not have the insurance to continue on with my transition. That’s right- I am at a standstill right now. I cannot afford my HRT, I can only afford laser every 6-8 weeks. It makes me extremely dysphoric. Most people (I believe) do not know this, but I have to wear a wig due to my receding hairline. I have enough hair to allow for corrective surgery; however the cost is astronomical and I simply do not have the ability to move forward with it at this time. I will one day (thank God), but I cannot at this time.

Third, because I work for my father who is ABSOLUTELY against my Transitioning; I am not full-time. I NEED this job to be able to support my children, and so I am caught in this ridiculous catch-22. If I quit I can go full-time, but then I won’t have a job to support me being full-time. Frankly, there are many times I feel like a fraud or something due to my inability to be myself 100% of the time. I know that I would tell anyone ELSE in my situation that it doesn’t make them any less of a Trans person, but I still struggle to take that for myself.

Fourth, because I am so lonely. I miss having someone to be close with, to share secrets with, to love me for me. I feel like because I am not able to be full-time, no one is going to want to be with me. I feel dysphoric, and so I let myself believe that no one will want me the way that I present currently. I want someone to want me.

So why am I telling you all of this nonsense about what I am dealing with? I suppose it is an attempt to be transparent. I am so thankful that I have a God who is near, even when I feel so lost or alone. He never gives up on me; and he is there for me, always.

Psalm 34:18: “The LORD is near to those who are discouraged; he saves those who have lost all hope.

It helps me to know that He already knows what I am going through. He is a big God; He can handle me when I am at my lowest. He always shows me things to lift my spirits, or to show me that He loves me and cares for me.

I have been dwelling on Romans 8:31-38 a lot lately.

“What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since He did not spare even His own Son but gave Him up for us all, won’t He also give us everything else? Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for His own? No one- for God Himself has given us right standing with Himself. Who then will condemn us? No one-For Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and He is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.
Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (As the Scriptures say, ‘For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep’). No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow- not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.”

Wow. Say that again. NOT EVEN THE POWERS OF HELL CAN SEPARATE US FROM GOD’S LOVE.

He loves us, unconditionally, wholeheartedly, passionately, and without end.

He is there for us to lean on, to cry out to (or scream at/to if necessary), to listen to us, hear us. He loves us at our weakest, most vulnerable. He knows us.

He knows us.

What a comforting thought.

~Megan~

 

The Darkness of Silence

I haven’t written a post in quite some time. I wish I had a good reason, but the truth is that it is so much easier not to write one, to not put myself out there. Every time I post something there is a spike in attacks against me, and it gets exhausting. Never mind the fact that it’s obvious they are reacting because of the truth I discuss. That this is exactly why I am so vocal.

So tonight I want to discuss silence, and why we can’t stay hidden in the shadows when things get tough.

“When the world is silent, even one voice becomes powerful.” – Malala Yousafzai

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard stories from people who have experienced abuse in some way, and were not protected or defended. This is even more evident in our society today as more and more women are coming forward with tales of their sexual abuse by individuals in positions of power and influence. They were kept from revealing this sooner because of their feelings of helplessness. Who would believe them?

I feel as though we live in a world that empowers attackers and abusers because we blame the victim. “What did you do to cause this to happen?” Imagine being attacked and then blamed for it even happening.

I am a Transgender Rights Activist because I believe that Trans people like myself deserve equal rights and treatment. It is hard to have any progress happen when even the President believes that we are a burden and unnecessary. This belief emboldens others, causing them to feel justified in their attacks.

The same holds true when we remain silent about injustice. When we witness something, it is our duty to speak out against it. Otherwise we are no better than those who have committed the offense. Darkness breeds in silence and bowed heads. It is only by rising above and saying that we won’t stand for it any longer, that we show them they can’t get away with it.

 

~Megan~

Here We Go Again…

I get a LOT of people attacking me online for bring Transgender, and I am sure that most members of the LGBTQ+ Community do as well. If youve noticed, so many of their arguments are the same! It gets tiring at times.

So… I’ve compiled a list of the most common, with my answers. I’m sure it will grow, but here is what I have so far.

1. Being Transgender goes against God’s plan.

A: God’s plan is so much bigger and more vast than we could ever comprehend. Saying that you know the mind of God, why He allows certain things to happen, and that you know the absolute right answer is not only immensely conceited of you, but shows that you do not grasp the magnitude and beauty of who God is.

2. God is Ashamed and Disgusted by the LGBTQ+ Community.

A: John 13:34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another”.

3. Being LGBTQ+ is a choice.

A: https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.livescience.com/50058-being-gay-not-a-choice.html

4. God did not design you to be Transgender. It doesn’t exist.

A: Galations 3:28 “There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”

5. There are only 2 sexes- XX(female) and XY(male)

A: I will quote Grace Ann, a biology teacher. “First of all, in a sexual species, you can have females be XX and males be X (insects), you can have females be ZW and males be ZZ (birds), you can have females be females because they developed in a warm environment and males be males because they developed in a cool environment (reptiles), you can have females be females because they lost a penis sword fighting contest (some flatworms), you can have males be males because they were born female, but changed sexes because the only male in their group died (parrotfish and clownfish),”…”Oh, did you mean humans? Oh ok then. You can be male because you were born female, but you have 5-alphareductase deficiency and so you grew a penis at age 12. You can be female because you have an X and a Y chromosome but you are insensitive to androgens, and so you have a female body. You can be female because you have an X and a Y chromosome but your Y is missing the SRY gene, and so you have a female body. You can be male because you have two X chromosomes, but one of your X’s HAS an SRY gene, and so you have a male body. You can be male because you have two X chromosomes- but also a Y,” she wrote. “You can be female because you have only one X chromosome at all. And you can be male because you have two X chromosomes, but your heart and brain are male. And vice – effing – versa. Don’t use science to justify your bigotry.”

6. Leviticus 18:22 & 20:13

A: Here’s the deal; not only was this book written as a way to establish a clear difference between the Israelites and their former Egyptian captors, it was written to discuss sexual purity. The form of relationship these verses are discussing are non-consensual, (i.e. slave/owner) or as pagan god-worshipping rituals. This does not in any way discuss a consenting, loving, and faithful relationship between two adult men. Also, if you choose to continue to utilize these verses, be prepared to give up shellfish, football and roasted ham, haircuts, misbehaving children(we are told to kill them) and mixed cotton clothing.

7. Romans 1:26-28

A: The Greek word Paul used is physikos, Which is often misinterpreted to mean natural. It is more closely translated to mean “the realities of nature”. Paul is concerned here with people acting in opposition to how God created them to be. If they were born a certain way (I.e. attracted to same sex) the abomination would then be to engage in a heterosexual relationship.

8. 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 & 1 Timothy 1:9-10

A: These both use the same Greek word arsenokoitēs, which means male prostitute- and most scholars agree it means more specifically the prostitution of young boys. Again we see that Paul was not condemning the consensual loving relationship between two adults, but this time was attacking men having sexual relations with children.

Some of My Recent Thoughts

I haven’t written in quite some time, honestly because I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say.

Depression has a way of taking the things you love and twisting them so that you can hardly stand to even think about them, not to mention actually do them.

So I’ve been using my “time off” to really focus on my walk with Christ, my job, and my transition. Basically I’m trying to strip everything away and focus on what is good in my life.

I’ve been thinking a lot about transition, and how some people seem to think that in order to transition, we must be extremely selfish. To them, someone who does, only cares about themselves and doesn’t care about the people in their life at all.

I believe that transitioning is realizing that you are important too, and that our lives have value, and so therefore it is the ultimate embodiment of self-care.

See, before I began this journey my mental health had deteriorated so far that I was suicidal- I almost took my life. I realized that I HAD to make a change. Me deciding to transition was, for me, choosing life. I realized that I was allowed to be valuable, I was allowed to think of myself.

This is my experience, it isn’t the same for everyone. If you choose to stay in the closet, your life has the same value. You choose what will bring you the most safety, care, and overall fulfillment.

I am fully aware that this post has the appearance of rambling; I suppose I wanted to write down what I’ve been thinking about lately, and you have the unfortunate…”privilege”… To be reading it.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about how trans women are accused of removing the rights of cis women. To be honest, this blows my mind. Trans women have always been, and will always be women. Saying that our fight for equal rights invalidates the rights of people who ALREADY have them doesn’t make sense.

If our fight for rights offends you, perhaps you should remember that not too long ago, cis women were fighting for the same thing. By gaining rights these women did not take anything from their male counterparts, but rather were boosted to a level of (for the most part) equality. That is all we as trans people are asking for.

It really isn’t that complicated.

Anyways, that’s all for now!

Love you all!

~Megan~

I am a Transgender Woman, and No, I will Not Stay Silent

I am writing this post tonight because I am tired. Too many times I have witnessed people coming out of the woodwork and attacking people like me. Time and time again we have been told that our right to exist is nothing more than liberal pandering. Quite frankly, I have had enough.

Let’s be frank; Transgender and gender non-conforming people frighten many conservatives because we do not fit their traditional mold of what they think a “normal” person should be. They feel that our existence and the fact that we will not remain in the shadows of our fear and self-loathing infringes on their comfort and sensibilities.

Do not mistake me here- people are allowed to disagree with me. They are allowed to feel and think a certain way. That is one of the things that makes this world such a great place. Freedom of expression and thought is a right that every human being should possess. I am just so tired.

I am tired of death threats.

I am tired of being told that my parents should have killed me as a child.

I am tired of  being told graphic details of how I should be “put down”.

I am tired of being called a sexual predator.

I am tired of being told to stop speaking out.

I am tired of reading that another one of my transgender brothers and sisters have been killed because of who they are.

I am tired of being afraid.

Fear is what kept me in the closet for twenty seven years of my life. Fear is what led to me keeping this important part of myself from my spouse. Fear is what kept me living a lie.

Fear is a weapon that is being used against Transgender people- both adults and children- and it needs to stop.

Our existence is not a “plague”, or an attempt to remove the rights for others. Sometimes I have such trouble wrapping my mind around the idea that Transgender people having basic human rights and privileges could somehow possibly infringe on someone else. We are simply asking to be treated just like everyone else.

So no, I will not stop talking about it. I will not slow down, or change course simply because it makes someone else uncomfortable. I am not going back into the closet, I am not hiding who I am. We exist, we are here. We are going to continue to be seen…and change is coming.

~Megan~

The Damage Being Caused by my Fellow Christians

It is painful to see and hear how much damage is being done by Christian leaders who proclaim the name of God while engaging in rhetoric that is hurting people.

As Christians, we are called first to honor God, yes, but as a close second we are TO LOVE ONE ANOTHER.

John 13:34-35 says “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

This does not in ANY way say that we are allowed to keep anyone from coming to the Father.

This calls into question things like the Nashville Statement, the Southern Baptist Conventions Anti-LGBT documentation, as well as individual Religious leaders denouncing LGBT Christians from their pulpits.

I have to ask; where is God in any of that? The answer is simple, He is not.

He is clear on one thing though- He hurts for those that have been abandoned, abused, or rejected. He cares for us- He does not reject us.

Isaiah 57:15: For thus says the One who is high and lifted up, who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy: “I dwell in the high and holy place, and also with him who is of a contrite and lowly spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly, and to revive the heart of the contrite.”

Matthew 5:3-4: “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”

Psalm 34:18: “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”

It is comforting to know that no matter what has been done to us by other people, we are NOT alone. God sees what we are going through, He understands, and He is with us. God is NOT defined by the box that the Church has attempted to put around Him.

This is my hope for my fellow Christians:

That we would understand who God is, at least to the best of our ability. That we would see that He is not a God of hate and intolerance, but one of love and acceptance.

Please do not forget Romans 3:23: “For all have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God.” 

Not one of us is a perfect Christian- we make mistakes, we fall short. We do not get to judge the walk of other people. Yes, I am Trans Christian. This does not exclude me from being able to be a Child of God. My walk is not in question. My identity is not in question. I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14), and God made me this way for a reason. Your job, as a fellow Christian, is to encourage me in my walk- not to pick it apart.

IF our goal is the great commission, than I am afraid that we are not meeting it. We have turned insular, and tearing apart people who should be drawn closer to the father. God didn’t say, “For all have sinned, and those LGBT people are especially awful.” He did not say “Go ye therefore, except to that LGBT kid because I do not want anything to do with him.”

He did say to love one another, and that is something that I am choosing to do.

~Megan~

My Response to the Nashville Statement

 

I have been thinking about what to write in regards to the Nashville Statement all day today. I am not going to lie, my heart is heavy.

If you are not aware, this week more than 150 spiritual leaders got together and wrote out a document in which they laid out their “response to an increasingly post-Christian, Western culture that thinks it can change God’s design for humans”. Contained within are 14 items or articles in which they discuss several items, including not allowing sex out of marriage and their belief and how it pertains to biological sex and gender identity.

While these are nothing new, and have been discussed by the church before, they are laying this down as a guideline for churches across America as a tool for Christian leaders to use when confronting things they disagree with.

Article 10 is the item that got me the most, I think.

“WE AFFIRM that it is sinful to approve of homosexual immorality or transgenderism and that such approval constitutes an essential departure from Christian faithfulness and witness.

“WE DENY that the approval of homosexual immorality or transgenderism is a matter of moral indifference about which otherwise faithful Christians should agree to disagree.”

Now then, let me start off be saying that the rhetoric and logic used by these leaders is not only hurtful, it is dangerous ground to be walking. We see here a complete disregard for one of our greatest commandments given to us by Christ; love one another. Church leaders are placed in their position to reach the hurting and the lost. Instead of focusing on such things as white supremacy, racial discrimination, or ways to assist the hurting in their community, they chose instead to focus their time on writing a document that is not only hurtful, but anti-God.

Let me explain; God has already given us proof that the LGBT community is loved and accepted

Psalm 139:14 “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” 

Ephesians 1:3-6 “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption into becoming a child of His through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will – to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.”

We were made with intentional purpose, God knew what was going to happen before we did. The fact that the church is trying to put words into His mouth is just wrong. There is a reason I am Transgender, and I am living my life in a way that I hope to honor my Father.

This whole situation reminds me so much of the time that Jesus’ apostles were trying to keep the children from coming before their teacher.

Matthew 19:13-15 “Then little children were brought to Him that He might put His Hands on them and pray, but the disciples rebuked them. But Jesus said “Let the little children come to Me. Do not forbid them for of such is the kingdom of Heaven.” And He laid His Hands on them…” Don’t you see? Instead of letting us be ministered to and allowing us to worship alongside them without judgement or condemnation they are being a gatekeeper. These leaders are stating that they are allowed to decide who is allowed before the throne.

Please, stop trying to dictate who is allowed simply because you disagree. We have a right to worship, just as you do.

So, as a Christian LGBT member I hope you realize that there is nothing wrong with you. You are not sinning- you are following the plan that was laid before you by the very same being who hung the stars in the sky and counted every hair on your head. Being LGBT is not a choice, and God knows that.

Don’t forget; Jesus hung out with those that the Church leaders of the day rejected. Who do you honestly think that he would hang out with today? Would it be the bigots and religious gatekeepers, or the ones that are continuously ostracized by the very people who were called to love them?

All in all, this piece of paper doesn’t change anything other than labeling the signers as people who look at us with contempt. We will show them a different way to think if we decide, today, to take back our faith and instead of relying on the leaders, actually read the bible on your own.

We are stronger than this, we will overcome!

Megan