**Trigger Warning**: Depression, Suicidal Thoughts
Before I began my transition I wasn’t certain that I’d be able to keep my faith, and be who I am supposed to be. Honestly, as someone who grew up in the church and actually believed in Salvation, this was devastating to me.
“I’m a sinner.” “I’m an abomination.”
Phrases like that continually ran through my mind because that was the belief that I had been taught to parrot. I truly thought that any deviation from what was considered “normal” meant that I would be forever separated from Jesus.
Depression, anxiety, fear, and anger were constants in my life. I knew that to be Transgender was to be spitting in the face of God.
It wasn’t until I had a gun in my hand ready to end my life did I wake up and realize that something had to change.
I began to examine my life and what I knew about God.
1 John 4:16 “And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.”
This didn’t seem to fit with what I had been taught. God was a loving God, God cared about me. Why then would I fear that He would reject me? Didn’t He create me, after all?
Why would the church be teaching its followers that the LGBT community were disgusting, and going to hell if God made us who we are? Also, why was the church preaching rejection and ostracism when they’re supposed to be shining the light of God’s truth?
1 John 3:16-18 “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters. If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.”
What I was reading in the bible was blowing my mind. I began to feel betrayed, lied to, and manipulated. We were supposed to be the beacon, the help, the loving, the compassionate. Instead we hated, tossed-out, condemned, and ignored.
God never desired this separation. God loves His children, and yearns for us to be in communion with Him. Instead, the church began acting like gatekeepers, picking and choosing who was allowed to worship.
Friends, we don’t need a building to pray. We don’t need pews to worship. Most importantly, we don’t need a pastor in order for us to interact with heaven.
I have reclaimed my faith- not in the constricting “stuffed in a box” form of Christianity as before, but I have been able to reconnect with what I know to be true. We are fearfully and wonderfully made- and designed with a purpose. We belong, and we are most definitely loved.
Much love to you all,